Walking through the Wilderness

Ok, so: It’s no secret. I’m walking through this valley called the ‘Wilderness’- Most of you know right were I stand and I’m not pretending anymore to act like I’m not hurting. It’s hard for me. I’m supposed to be the one who helps everyone else. The one who is not allowed to hurt because I’m so head over hills for Jesus. You can’t possibly travel this road when you love the Lord this much. It’s just not fair. Yep, that’s right where I’ve been. The closer I get to Jesus, the harder the attack. The bigger the lies and you guessed it- The harder you fall. The last 11 months have been horrible as we have tried to start a family. Well, the first 6 wasn’t that bad until October when my only grandfather died, I mis-carried our first baby, and my father-in-law had a stroke ALL within 1 week. Wow. One week.

What do I do now? Do I just pick myself up and move on or allow myself to be consumed by Satan’s lies that God has totally forgotten about me? Do I believe that God is punishing me? Do I believe that He doesn’t care that I am hurting this badly? God, where are you? Why are you letting this happen? I know, Lord, I have been praying to grow in you for the last year but I DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH ANYTHING THAT HURTS, ESPECIALLY TO THIS EXTENT. I cannot even begin to tell you how Satan has tormented me. How he has made me feel so inadequate in every way. You know what? That is his specialty. Look at what he did to Jesus when he was in the wilderness. He chose to tempt him there. Satan is not new to this. How do you think he has made me feel? Do you know how Satan has used everyone else’s blessings to make me feel alone, and abandoned and inadequate? He’s great at it. Well, he WAS that is until my blinders flew off. For the last few weeks, I have been praying for Peace. The kind that is above anything I can even comprehend. God is allowing me to see what is happening here. He is showing me what He is doing. He is building me up for something incredible. It’s an everyday thing. I wake up and have an AMAZING time with the Lord-- A time of utter praise and peace and joy. Then, REALITY. Off to work and into the world. One minute I'm fine, next minute back in the wilderness. I can literally end up in the wilderness and NEVER even knew I left the city. Satan is relentless. He doesn’t let up. He is really starting to get pretty predictable quite honestly. It’s amazing the mornings God blesses me through conversation with Him are the days I get attacked the worst. I mean you can just bet on it. It’s been a journey. One that I pray I can use to further His kingdom. It’s not over. I love the Lord so much. I know better than to believe the Father of Lies. Everyone has a wilderness. If you’re not in it, BRACE YOURSELF. It’s coming. You can choose to believe all the lies or you can choose to seek shelter in a storm. I can’t imagine running into the ocean when a hurricane is coming, but people do it everyday. In the mean time, I have to keep my head up and pray my way through it. It hurts and the tears fall every day, but I know MY God is not doing this to me, but FOR me. I don’t yet understand it all. I do know that faith is not thinking He can, but knowing He will. I am trying to rejoice in my suffering knowing that He is perfecting me. For we know, perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18) I can come through this bitter or better. I can run away or to Him. I’m choosing to rest. To rest in the fact that God loves me enough to use me. I feel almost honored that he knows I will not crumble. I feel like Job. I’m going to act like Job. That doesn’t mean it’s not hard. It’s awful. But I’m not doing this alone. Praise to his Holy Name!